A Most Unlikely Exile
by NeonZangetsu
Summary: They dumped me at the nearest town in the middle of the night and left me to starve. I was five years old. I didn't know what crime I had committed, what I was guilty of, what I'd done. A wise man once said the best revenge is living well, but I couldn't even do that. My new life was shattered by a Beast...and so was I. Narutoxharem. Pairings undecided. Vote Via Review!
1. A Most Unlikely Exile

**A/N: Oi! What did I say about giving me new ideas?!**

**I promised someone I would do this, and I keep my promises.**

***EDIT* Let the updates continue!**

**Could the trolls please stop? I've had to delete thirty two-SERIOUSLY?!-reviews of nasty vitriol in the last hour or so and its making me upset. I've also had a rather nasty chap known as "Doom Marine" chanting at me to kill myself in the review section of my recent stories. Look if you don't believe me. Jokes on him though, that's not my real name.**

***Secondary Edit***

**I published this earlier, but the notification only came now? I don't know why? Notifications are being delayed again? I don't know? How many times has this happened in the last month? No one is to blame for it of course, the site just goes wonky sometimes. Really kills my drive to write though...**

**Because this hasn't gotten any reviews for this chapter...**

**Only flames...cruel...nasty, vicious flames...**

**...and that makes me a sad boy.**

**So...reviews? Please?**

**Pretty please?**

**T_T**

**As ever, this will be gone in two days if folks don't like it.**

**This story has a level of...anxiety to it. It may well be shorter than the others as well. Why? Because they're racing against the clock.**

**I can already hear you asking; what are you on about, Neon? What clock? Make some sense, damnit!**

***Cackles* You'll have your answers by the end of this chapter.**

**Now let the countdown begin.**

**Be prepared.**

_"You use me, and I use you. That's our contract, Avenger. Nothing more. Nothing less."_

_"What, seriously? Just like that? You won't try and stop me?"_

_"So long as you don't try and stop ME."_

_"Ooooh. Scary. I think I like you._

_...its better if you don't."_

_~Exile and Avenger._

**A Most Unlikely Exile**

_That's what I am._

_They dumped at the nearest port town in the middle of the light and left me to starve. I was five years old. I didn't know what crime I had committed, what I was guilty of, what I'd done. I remember a masked face staring down at me, then only shadows. No one came looking for me._

_Idiots._

_They should've killed me._

_It would've been better if they killed me._

_Perhaps that was cruel. I was never shackled to a village, never bound to a system that I didn't understand. This far away from Konoha, no one knew anything about chakra or shinobi or even the Kyuubi itself. I was just a boy to them. Nothing. No one. A nobody. Some wandering lad, scared, lost, and alone. I was on the streets for all of three days before an old samurai finally took pity and brought me into their home._

_Retired of course, which was really a fancy word for a deserter; because you don't live long once you leave the Damiyo's service. _

_...I never did get his name._

_He was always just, "pops" or "old man". _

_Regardless, he passed on what he knew to me. I never understood why. He fed me, clothed me, barely spoke to me at all, but...he taught me how to swing a sword. Nothing else. I threw myself into that training; because I wanted to prove myself, to prove that he hadn't made a mistake in taking me in. I learned the peerless skill of attacking without restraint, of unleashing myself upon my enemies in a controlled rage. I learned how to cut anything and everything. First came wood of course, followed by stone and steel. Next were the elements and illusions and finally...flesh._

_In time, I would learn to cut reality itself._

_To rend the very fabric of space and time asunder. _

_When old age took my Master ten years later, he left me his sword._

_I buried him, mourned him, said the customary prayers over his grave, gave him my thanks and...left._

_I became a wandering ronin, not quite a ninja, but not a true samurai either. I had no Lord to serve, no Master to obey._

_I made my living by taking on odd jobs here and there; helping people in need wherever I found them. That's right. Rather than sell my services to the highest bidder-tempting during my darkest moments-I wandered the world and tried to do some good where I could._

_No one thought to question who I was.; it was a humble life, plain and simple, and it was enough._

_Eventually I learned enough about chakra from wandering ninja to make something of myself beyond my skills with sensei's sword. I could've at least become a passable shinobi if I'd tried hard enough. But by then it was already too late. Chakra might be useful, could even be flung from my blade in a waves of cutting force, but it would never be my primary weapon. I wasn't a swordsman, not in the true sense of the word, but I would live and die by the sword I'd been given._

_As the world began to fall apart around me, as jinchuuriki vanished and war crept closer, I wandered._

_Endured._

_I mastered the arts of the sword and shield and spear until I could cut through damn near anything. I made allies, where I could find them._

_I freed the Fuma clan and slew a Snake._

_I stole a legendary gauntlet capable of turning anything it touched to stone._

_I reclaimed the Sword of the Thunder God from a brat who was entirely too full of himself._

_I confronted the Demon deep inside of me and after many years, finally made peace with him and myself._

_I traveled and I wandered and above all, I kept moving. For the world was changing. And not in a good way. But I didn't know. How could I know? I had no connection to any of the villages and next to no spies to speak of in my chosen profession. My only allies consisted of a few wayward kingdoms I'd helped along the way, and a clan of exiles who'd taught me a trick or two. I'm pretty sure they wanted me to marry one of their girls. But I couldn't in good conscience bring myself to do it. Make no mistake, they were...nice, I suppose, but I felt no attachment towards them. So I kept walking._

_At the end of my road, I finally found someone I wanted to serve._

_I took the job on a whim, you know? I needed the money._

_Sandayu promised he would pay me handsomely._

_And I was paid for my faithful service._

_Not in the way I expected._

_They couldn't find any shinobi willing to guard their precious actress, so a wandering rogue would have to do. It seemed suspicious at the time, but I signed on anyway. Perhaps I should've thought better. I thought it was a simple escort job; Rikudo knows I've run those often enough. By then I knew how to fight in cold climates, enough about fighting knee deep in snow to hold my own. The cold never bothered me anyway. Ha. That was a joke. I HATE the cold. Give me sunshine any day._

_Turns out, it wasn't a simple job. They never are._

_Little miss actress tried to run away three times the moment she learned where we were going. Once on the road, again at the pier; she even tried to jump overboard once we finally got out to sea. Each time I had to drag her back kicking and screaming. Each time I debated just letting her escape to see where she would go. __I knew that look. Poor thing was scared out of her wits, but I couldn't figure out why. __For some reason-reasons that were well unbeknownst to me-she wouldn't tell, refused to even speak on the matter. _

_So I began to pity that girl. Woman. Semantics._

_ She was older than me to be sure, but she hardly acted her age. _

_It wasn't out of ego, or spite, or even arrogance, but fear. She was simply...jaded. Her worldview poisoned by some terrible event. That was trauma if I'd ever seen it. She was deathly afraid of where we were going; so afraid that she'd rather leap into the sea and let the sharks have her rather than face her own demons. __Sure enough, after a fifth attempt, Sandayu spilled the beans._

_Almost wish he hadn't; because the cheeky little blighter had been playing me entire time._

_This "movie" bit was just that. A cover; a smokescreen used to distract and conceal his true intentions until I called him on it. Oh, she was certainly an actress, but he couldn't care less about this film. That wasn't the purpose here; wasn't the reason we were headed to the Land of Snow.__ I wasn't just guarding a movie star, but rather, the daughter of a dead damiyo. I wanted to throttle him, but I forced myself to listen. His brother, Doto, staged a bloody coup years ago and seized power. Koyuki had been running ever since._

_And now we were going back. __Into hostile territory._

_NINJA territory at that._

_Shit._

_Then the rest of the deception collapsed and the truth came out; I wasn't getting paid for any of this. None. None a single cent. They had next to nothing to give me until they reclaimed their country. Sandayu assured me he had allies, that I wouldn't have to do all the fighting, but it didn't change the fact that I'd been lied to, played like a fiddle and left out to dry. __A ninja team would've turned back. I was almost tempted to do just that an' leave them to their own devices. But, as I didn't want to water-walk the whole way home, I stayed._

_Why did I stay?_

_My view towards little miss stuck-up actress was irrevocably changed after that conversation; now that I realized she was a fellow exile-albeit from a different country-my harsh opinion of her began to soften. She'd been old enough to know what she lost. She had a family. Me? I only knew that I had lost something on that awful day, and its absence found a vague emptiness that I hadn't been able to fill._

_That was the beginning of the end. _

_I should've known better than to talk to her again after that, but talk we did and things...began to change. I opened up. Told her about my past, pestered Koyuki about hers until the mask broke. Not mine, but hers. She cried, and I was done. In that moment she found that one chink in my armor and unwittingly wormed her way in. I couldn't leave her now even if I wanted to; not until she took back her home. Try as I might, I don't have it in me to be cruel. Then came the battle._

_It was easier than expected._

_Until that day, I didn't realize just how strong I'd become._

_With eighteen years of experience under my belt, I wasn't a boy anymore, but a man._

_And a man picked. Them. Apart._

_We found them-or I suppose they found us-only hours after we made landfall. They were proud. Arrogant. Oh-so-superior and quite confident in their skills. They had a right to be, I suppose. This was their home turf after all. They had every advantage, while I had none. They outnumbered me. In theory, they should've been able to overpower me. I had nothing but my swords and a few errant baubles, a couple of tricks I'd picked up in my lifetime of wandering. They wanted to set an example._

_They got what they wanted._

_Nadara Roga the first shinobi called himself. He cried before I cut his jutsu-and him!-into pieces._

_Fubuki Kakuyoku was his second. I lopped her pretty little head right off when she ran._

_Then came Mizore Fuyukuma. Didn't even bother. Just drowned him in chakra._

_Snow Chakra armor is a nasty piece of work, especially for a wandering swordsman, but it has its vulnerabilities. And I wasn't just a swordsman. I didn't rely wholly on chakra either, but when I was forced to...well. Biju chakra is a nasty piece of work. While I'd long since mastered that problem, it was the work of an instant to turn it on my enemies and overload their precious suits. Humans have limits. So do machines. __They were nothing without their chakra armor; not that they were much to begin with it._

_Kurama had fun with those little shits._

_Me? I just wanted this farce to be over with._

_I slapped some sense into Koyuki, stormed the castle gates, and killed Doto's men before anyone could stop me. Cut through them like they were so much chaff. Then came the big cheese himself. He tried to fight, and when that blew up in his nasty little face; negotiate. He was desperate to survive, even going so far as to offer me the very armor off his back. All this just to survive. I might've found that frantic will admirable, if my blood wasn't up. I thanked him for his generosity, took the armor, and I...gutted him. __Like a pig. Watching that vicious bastard die gave me more relief than a thousand lying shinobi._

_And when it was over...I found that I didn't want to leave._

_Not that Koyuki would've let me go after that._

_Crazy woman kissed the hell out me._

_B__eneath it all she was good and kind. She had a chance to start over and argued-demanded, really-that I stay and help rebuild since I'd caused most of the destruction. We both knew it was a pretense to keep me around but neither of us admitted to it. When we found her father's secret, a way to make the Land of Snow into the Land of Spring, well. That just gave me more reason to stay. I rather like the sun, and enjoyed cloud-gazing all the more. After all these years, I'd found someone like me. __I was hers, and she was mine._

_We had peace for a time._

_Until word reached us across the sea._

_Couriers reached us with news of the other countries. They said that the Leaf had been invaded. Twice. It endured the first. Not so the second. Whispers and rumors abounded. Some said their last Uchiha had gone rogue and come back to burn them all in their beds. Still more said the Akatsuki had razed it to the ground. Others claimed some suicidal Hokage blew it all up just to spite his enemies and take them with him. No one knew the truth, only that it was gone. Only a few stragglers remained to spread the tale of woe._

_Should I have felt pity for my home? I didn't. I barely even remembered it._

_Then the Sand fell when "God" paid it a visit._

_I knew them even less. Any loss of life is something to be mourned, but anyone who can sink a village into the earth is someone to be avoided._

_Mist folded, collapsing in on itself in a bloody civil war._

_Never knew 'em, never saw 'em, never cared. Not my fault they fell apart._

_Rock and Cloud banded together in a desperate alliance against...something. It didn't save them._

_By then Kurama and I were old pals. We wanted nothing to do with any of them. We were more than content to let the great shinobi villages fizzle out and die. What good had they ever done us? We were far and away in the Land of Snow-or should I say Spring?-by then, and we had no desire to leave. Koyuki was a good ruler; with us there to watch over her, few dared attempt an assassination. Those few fools that did...well. They never got to try again. But I grew complacent. Lazy. Sloppy. Rather than keep a watch on our borders, I focused solely on the woman in front of me._

_Everything changed when the Beast attacked._

_None of us knew what it was, not at first. How could we?_

_All of it fell to him. The remaining villages, Akatsuki, and their so-called "God", all of it destroyed._

_Eventually it found us. Me. __It came with overtures of peace at first, wearing a face-my face!-as though it were an old friend. I didn't trust it for an instant. It tried to recruit me, and I turned it away with the flat of my blade. I wanted nothing to do with...whatever that hell that was. Multiverse? Others like me? No, thank you. I had found my place and I wanted nothing to do with any of them._

_Then it came back._

_This time, there was no offer of peace. No parley. It was fire and death, burning and killing, reaping and pillaging. I was arrogant. I tried to fight that thing, even after seeing its true form. I thought all my arsenal-the techniques!-I'd gathered over the years would be enough to win the day. They were not. Not nearly enough. I couldn't fight that. Didn't even want to after the first day, but I still tried. I utilized every trick I had, every trap, every everything._

_And I lost._

_Only then did I realize how small I truly was in the grand scheme of things; at the end of the day I was just a man-albeit a powerful one-fighting against a creature that could crush continents. It wasn't even a real Beast-just an impostor-but I still couldn't beat it. I tried to save them. I failed. For every limb I cut it grew three more, each wound only seemed to make it stronger. I never did learn how to destroy a soul with my blade. If I'd done that, would I have won? I never knew the _

_For my defiance, he blasted the Land of Snow apart._

_Everything. Everyone. Even...her._

_When she died, I ran; u__sed my forbidden technique to cut through space-dimensions!-and leaped through the tear I created, closing it before he could follow. I never looked back. Never went back. I can't bear to think of the world like that, a shattered, ruined husk with no one left in it._

_In jumping into that rift I landed in a new world._

_A different universe._

_One with something called a "Grail."_

_An object that could grant any wish, any desire._

_I spent five years watching. Waiting. Plotting. Planning._

_Long have I waited. __I want revenge. Retribution for what he's done._

_Every night I see those flames. Every night I watch those horrible jaws open and..._

_I still remember her screams. __I hear them in my dreams. She's trying to tell me something. I just know it._

_He took my world and I barely escaped with my life. Rather than stand and fight, I...broke. I fled. I should've died with her. Why didn't I die with her? I was happy. I was content. Then he came along and smashed it all to pieces. Well. Two can play at that game. You break my world, I break you. __My wish is a simple one._

_Give me the Holy Grail. __Give me strength. __Give me power._

_The power to undo my past. The power to fight him._

_I will have my revenge._

* * *

_(...0o0o0...)_

* * *

_Well._

This was certainly it, then.

There could be no turning back now.

Naruto paused, considering the blood on his hands, and wondered if, perhaps, he should feel guilt as he gazed down at the bloody circle at his feet. Idle blue eyes drifted to the discarded corpses lining the clearing, each drained of their blood. None of them would be missed; they were criminals and stalkers all, degenerates from all walks of life. He'd slain seven of them with his sword and given their lives to the circle-to the grail-in the vain hope of drawing a strong card in the war to come. One for each class. One for each Servant.

They said that a sacrifice increased the chances of pulling a powerful warrior from the Grail. Who knew?

Here in the silence, the forest had no answers for him, much less the marks on his hand.

The great skull of a beast glowered up from his palm, red in its relief.

There was a bitter irony to be had there.

Well below him, Fuyuki City glimmered like a great golden vein in the evening gloom, a city sprawling with limitless potential.

A city about to be ravaged by war, one he and six others would unleash...and something else. Something so horrible, it couldn't be allowed to arrive.

Some might try to keep the fighting contained on the outskirs. Some would try to fight with decency in secret; to be _noble _about this. They wanted their rules and honor and _integrity._ Bah! As if this war were some grand game to be played on a chessboard, not a battle for the very soul of the universe. Others...well, others longed only to win, to grasp the Grail for themselves. Regardless of the cost.

Unfortunately for them, Naruto counted himself among the latter.

What did he owe this world? Nothing.

No, less than nothing.

He'd known the Beast would track him down eventually. He could feel it now; a psychic link shared from their brief conflict; which in turn meant _he_ could likely sense _him._ He was close now. Terribly, horrible close. At this rate it ought to find him in a matter of days, if not sooner. Where had all the time gone. Five years, _wasted._ Training meant nothing in the face of that kind of power, yet he'd trained anyway. He'd only found out what a Grail War truly was a year ago, and even then he'd had to wait. Now it was time to act, and to win quickly, before that _thing_ came down on him again and burned this world to ash.

What was a little fire and brimstone before then? Nothing, that's what.

He'd even gone so far as to dress for the occasion, eschewing worn blue trousers and a mud-brown shirt in favor of a traditional simple _hakama_ worn over an orange-black _kimono_ with rough sleeves. Lovingly maintained even after his unusual "exile" in this foreign land, he'd also adopted some semblance of armor as well; gauntlets and greaves for his hands and feet alike, over which he'd thrown his prize possession.

Chakra armor.

Wearing this brought back fond memories. Oh, how Doto had tried to threaten him that day; then bribe him when it became apparent threats weren't enough. He'd begged and cajoled and even kissed his feet at the end, his face a slashed, bloodied mess from his sword. It had proven oddly...satisfying. In the end he'd given him the very prototype chakra armor he wore; a great beast of ebony plate, one he would make fine use of later in life. Naruto had accepted this most gracious of gifts with the reverence that it was due. Yes, he had taken it for his own.

And then he'd killed him.

What? The man was scum. Any uncle who would so willingly turn on his niece over the promise of power could not be trusted. Besides, he much rather preferred Koyuki. The one person in this world he had been able to find common ground with, to trust, even. Until the Beast came. This was for her sake; the one person who had come to understand him and he, her. A fellow exile bonding with another. Yes, he was doing this for her sake as much as his own. Just as he'd improved the armor and his own techniques for this war, the war he _needed _to win.

Beast be damned he would not fail. Not this time.

He would not fail. No, he _could_ _not_ fail.

To give up now would be akin to spitting in his lady's face, and all he had done for her.

Resolute, he turned back to the circle.

Extending his hand towards it, Naruto reluctantly opened his palm again, wincing as his lifeblood spilled into the circle. If the fox was at all offended by him shedding blood it didn't speak. It had scarcely spoken to him at all since they'd run up against the Beast. Still, he felt Kurama finally stir within him, his voice joining his as he exerted his will upon the world.

So began the chant:

**"I am vengeance,"** Naruto willed himself to speak slowly, leashing his own fevered emotions as he bled his palm against the summoning circle.** "I am the night. I am the sword in the darkness. I am a masterless blade. I am the one who seeks retribution, rights for the wronged."**

The air began to crackle, responding to his call.

**"We offer you what should have rightfully been yours."** he intoned, idly noting that he was no longer referring to himself as a singular entity. **"Our purpose unites with yours. Our will creates you body. Our chakra, your blood. Take what you need and leave none standing. Cry havoc! Let slip the dogs of war!"**

Was it just him, or had the temperature suddenly spiked?

**"Scour my-our!-foes from the face of the earth."** the words emerged a snarl, twisting his serene visage into a ghastly grimace as pale flames emerged from the darkness to lick at his feet. **"Incinerate all those who dare oppose you. We will not stand in your way, nor you ours."**

That heat was nigh on oppressive now, pounding in his skull like a frightened rabbit.

**"Burn them all,"** he whispered into the darkness. Then, louder now: _**"BURN THEM ALL!"**_

Rage burned the world with black fire.

She-for their could be no mistaking their identity-arrived in a rush of flame; fire and brimstone made manifest; clearing the smoke and light with the sheer force of her arrival. It was all so sudden that Naruto almost jolted in place. Golden eyes gazed back at him in quiet curiosity, framed by a beautiful and pale ashen hair bound in a braid behind her back. A sly, sardonic smile twisted her full lips but it made her no less lovely in that curve-hugging armor she wore. A beat of silence passed between the two of them, Master and Servant alike.

And the latter _laughed._

"Well, look at you." an armored gauntlet planted itself upon her hip as she sized him up, golden eyes flicking over every inch of his form. "You must really be _rotten to the core_ to summon someone like me. I shouldn't even _exist _on this side of the world." She gave a light, lilting laugh that smacked of mockery. "Nicely done."

Naruto noticed.

Drawing herself up, she brandished her flag.

Only then did he begin to having an inkling of what-who!-he had summoned. He'd studied enough of this world's lore to know its heroes; this one had been right at the top, albeit not who he'd been trying to summon. He would've been quite happy with a mindless berserker, not this deadly instrument of death standing before him. He knew her.

So too did his tenant. **"Well, fuck me. Is that Jeanne of Arc? Didn't expect her to look like that."**

"Servant, Avenger." her grin reminded him of a shark. "My true name...well." that already predatory grin turned downright lethal. "I don't feel like telling you."

_He already knew._

To his mild dismay, Kurama actually prodded his fractured psyche again. **"Well? You woke me up for this. Say something to her or I will." **Nope. Nope. Nope. He wasn't giving him the reigns again. Not after last time. That had been an unmitigated disaster. Still, this did bring up an interesting question...

...I wasn't aware there _was _an Avenger class." he wasn't aware he'd spoken aloud until she turned her head.

"We gonna have a problem?" Avenger reached for her sword. "If you want, we can cut this contract here and now, pal."

"No." his voice sounded dead even to his own ears, only the slightest undercurrent of anticipation threading through it. "You use me, and I use you. That's our contract, Avenger. Nothing more. Nothing less. You use me, and I use you in return. We don't need to get attached. I won't even give you orders if the concept offends you that much."

Avenger startled at that, her composure breaking for the merest of moments.

"What, seriously?" she offered a brief, bewildered blink. "Just like that? You won't try and stop me?"

A muscle jumped in Naruto's jaw, but he stubbornly beat it back down. "So long as you don't try and stop ME."

...and the Grail?"

Naruto twitched. "That's mine."

Avenger clicked her tongue. "What if I want it?"

This time he wasn't able to master himself in time; unable to control the killer intent leaking from him like a broken sieve. When she reached for her weapon so too did he; and he proved himself faster. The Sword of the Thunder god-that vaunted weapon that once belong to the Second Hokage-alighted under her chin before her blade could slide from from its scabbard. Avenger bristled, stiffening as he forced her to look him in the eye. A brief, tense heartbeat followed as he waited for the inevitable explosion.

_**"Too. Bad."**_

It never came.

"Ooooh. Scary." Jeanne-Joan?-raised her hands in defeat, smiling all the while. "I think I like you."

Was that a glimmer of respect in her eyes just now? Whatever wariness she'd once regarded him with appeared to have vanished by the time he lowered his blade. A warning bell clamored on in the back of Naruto's brain as she gazed back at him with half-lidded eyes and licked her lips. As if he were...prey. Something to be chased. Hunted down. Devoured. Wait up. Wait a minute. Wait one blasted bloody second. He hadn't been trying to garner any such form of respect or praise.

...its better if you don't."

But the die had already been cast.

"No, no, I think its better if I do." she purred. "I think you and I are going to get along just fine, Master. This'll be easy."

Oh, Jeanne...

How little she knew.

_How very little indeed._

**A/N: Well, well, well~!**

**Jeanne Alter is here. ****I almost pity the other Servants. ****Theoretically, she shouldn't be summoned. It shouldn't be possible. And yet it happened. We all know how slow she is to trust, but once she does...its like a dragon guarding their hoard. Good bloody luck getting them to part with it. And poor Naruto; this one lost to the Beast, but ran at the last moment.**

**Someone said I'm creating a league of villains or something here in terms of Servant!Naruto. Perhaps I am. We already have Wraith, Drifter, Faker and Beaster who are on the morally gray side of the arena, and now Exile joins their ranks. Wait until you see Sage and Tyrant.**

** Ah, but is this Fate Zero or Fate Stay Night?**

**By all means, guess away. I'd love to hear your thoughts.**

**As ever, this story will be gone in _two days _if folks don't like it.**

**Since SOME people are complaining about the length of these author notes, I'm going to do my best to cut down on them. ****Furthermore there shall be NO CASTER in this story. Sorry if that upsets folks, but Avenger has clearly taken their place. Of course, the others are still quite open.**

**Classes are open, so by all means, cast your votes. Because this going to get all kinds of crazy. W****ho is who, I wonder? **

**Please let me know if you like it. Means the world to me.**

**Felt damn good to write this one at long last.**

**So In the Immortal Words of Atlas...**

**...Review, Would You Kindly?**

**And enjoy the previews!**

**(Previews)**

_Jeanne's smile was savage._

_"Nice one, Master. One down~!"_

_He couldn't help but high-five the unholy maiden._

* * *

_...I can explain."_

_With a roar, she chambered a kick into his face._

* * *

_The Servant sighed, watching her collapse for perhaps the fifth time._

_"Damnit, this just leaves a bad taste in my mouth."_

_Jeanne growled and bolted upright._

_"Oh you can fuck RIGHT off-_

_And then there was pain._

* * *

_Avenger took a bite._

_Golden eyes widened explosively._

_The squeal that followed could not be muffled._

_Despite himself, Naruto couldn't help but preen. Just a bit._

_She'd tasted his cooking and hadn't insulted him. One point in his favor._

**~Nz.**


	2. Kill Or Be Killed (Interlude)

**A/N: Hey.**

**I live...mostly. Got a few new scrapes and cuts and broken bones, and oh, did I mention I may or may not be ill again?**

**...these trolls are really getting me down again. ****Of course, now there are people complaining about me complaining. *laughs bitterly* ****Throw in the holidays, the hurricane approaching Florida, and no one's really reading. ****Which really throws a wrench into my whole daily update thing. Still, I made a promise, so here we are. I've been doing daily updates-double and triple sometimes, as well-for a whole month now. That used to make me proud, to feel like I was making people happy. But...nowadays...**

**I'll be blunt, if folks don't like this-and it seems they don't-I'm not going to devote myself to it.**

**Still, I wanted to give those that DID review a chance. So I tried, despite the pain.**

**Because nowadays I get ****flames. Cruel...nasty, vicious flames...**

**...and that makes me a sad boy.**

**Many asked whether this was set in Fate Zero or Fate Stay Night, and well, this chapter answers that. And remember. Exile!Naruto and Alter!Jeanne aren't very nice. They will cheat, they will gang up on their enemies and they will BURN you if you cross them. They're basically one step short of the true Villain. They'll do whatever it takes to win. They find some methods distasteful of course, and though there IS a line they won't cross, their goal is to win. Quickly. Viciously.**

**Before Beast comes crashing through the worlds and rips their universe a new one.**

**...but neither they nor Beast are what some have come to dub as the True Threat. No, they're the big bad lurking in the shadows. No, Beast isn't the endgame. He's just someone who thinks he's an unstoppable force of nature. In reality? He's no True Beast. Not the real enemy watching, waiting, laughing as everyone weakens themselves in wars across the multiverse.**

**You'll see that chap soon enough. Sooner than you might expect. Rest assured. You'll never. See them. Coming.**

**SO by all means, vote in your reviews for who you'd like to see. Make yourself heard.**

**Oh. Speaking of which. We get our first Servant death right about...NOW.**

_"We will win."_

_"And our enemies will burn."_

_~A Most Unlikely Exile and Avenger._

**Kill Or Be Killed (Interlude)**

_Diarmuid did not die well._

One moment he'd been waiting at the waterfront; as per his Master's instruction. And then everything went wrong. His goal had been to wait here and reveal himself, thereby drawing any hiding Masters and their Servants out into the open. The docks were a perfect place for this, at night, certainly. His only companions here were empty shipping containers and a crane. There were no civilians to distract, no obstacles to avoid. He had but to stand in place and await the arrival of the enemy. It would be inevitable, or so his Master claimed.

He told himself he was prepared; that he'd taken everything into equation.

You see, Diarmuid wasn't here for a wish, or any such tripe. He simply sought an honorable duel. A lord to fight under, and a Master to serve. It was a good goal. A noble purpose, to be sure. The plan was slightly less so, but he accepted it out of necessity. One couldn't simply storm into Fuyuki City and start waving a weapon around like a madman. That was a fine way to attract the wrong sort of attention. That was alright. So long as he could fight a noble battle, Lancer was willing to make sacrifices. Surely other heroes would sympathized and wish to do battle accordingly.

He would fight, and his Master would remain hidden in the shadows, out of sight.

Unfortunately for poor, poor Lancer, Kayneth's precious _plan_ would work a touch too well.

He spent all of five minutes waiting after he revealed his presence, blazing prana for any servant to sense.

The first sign that something had gone terribly horribly wrong came when he heard Kayneth's scream in the distance. Diarmuid was only just turning to face the sound when golden eyes clad in blur of shadow and flame descended upon him. At last! With a twirl of his spear, he deflected the first strike-saw and readied himself for a retort of his own. Then his tether to his Master was cut viciously short, leaving him reeling. Vulnerable. His mouth opened to shout as tried to raise his weapons, to no avail. He'd been weakened, and though he had yet to fade, though he manged to fend the Servant off...

"One down."

...he was still exposed.

Honed steel rammed through his shoulder and punctured his heart, turning his hopes and dreams to a bloody gurgle of despair. Bright eyes widened and he turned, alarmed to find the Servant's master behind him, blade in hand. Stabbed through the back. It was not at all what he'd imagined. In a single flourish, they tore their weapon free, leaving him to slump to his knees. Already his vision began to dim, his form fading as death and a lack of a Master took hold of him. His right hands struggled to raise a weapon, to strike one final blow, but the Servant woman stomped down on his fractured palm and crushed it to dust.

And all hope was lost.

As he looked on in despair, Kayneth's body was flung at his feet.

It was this final insult that broke Diarmuid.

Did they truly wished to trample his earnest desire so badly? He hadn't bore them any ill will until this moment. But they'd beaten him. Broken him. Not through any sort of honor or any battle prowess, but simply tried an' true trickery. Damn him. Damn her. Damn them all. Let the grail be cursed. He hoped all their hopes turned to ashes in their mouths. DAMN THEM ALL!

"Curse...you...filthy...curs...

"Good night, Lancer." Jeanne purred.

Her sensual, sinful face sneered down at him in his final moments.

Jeanne's blade beheaded him mercilessly; bisecting his skull and sending it tumbling into the drink.

"Oh shut. Up."

"Nice one, Master. One down~!"

He couldn't help but high-five the unholy maiden.

"You certainly work fast, don't you?"

A muscle jumped in Naruto's jaw, but he stubbornly fought it down and flicked a one-fingered salute over his shoulder at Avenger as he worked. The corrupted woman gave a small smirk, stepped over the ruin that had once been Kayneth, and took up a sentry position to protect his back, just as they'd agreed.

And so he continued his work.

Traps weren't necessarily his forte per se, but he was skilled enough with them. Enough to prepare beforehand and turned the docks into a killing ground. Any Servant who wandered into their trap would be in for a nasty surprise. They'd already killed one tonight. With luck, they'd off one or two more before the rest realized the ruse. Or maybe they'd all rush in. Like lambs to the slaughter. That'd be nice. The war would end quickly that way. A small, bitter smile plucked at the corner of his mouth at that thought. If some scoffed at him for his practiced pragmatism, then so be it.

Some said killing came easy when you stopped caring.

A lie, of course. It just...came.

In this world it was kill or be killed. Anyone who said otherwise was a filthy liar. Acting? Mercy? What did those serve him? He'd tried talking to the Beast. Oh, how he'd begged and pleaded. Nothing came of it. No. You had to kill your enemies. Kill, kill, keep killing them until they were dead. If someone wasn't with you, then they were against you. Life was better when you dealt in absolutes.

Jeanne peaked over his shoulder, drawing him back to reality.

"Oh, that looks like a nasty piece of work. Nice." her head bobbed in agreement at the lethal explosives he'd been cobbling together. "You a specialist or something?"

Fine. He'd indulge her. This time.

"Not really." carefully, he attached one device to a shipping container, then another to the ruined crane draped over the docks. "Just something I picked up after coming to this world."

Jeanne's smile was savage. "That seems oddly...specific."

"Remember, do you part-

-and I'll do mine." Her eyes rolled. "Blah, blah, blah. Jeez, you really want that wish, don't you? Almost warms my heart."

"You don't have a heart." Naruto grouse.

With his back to her, he missed the dangerous gleam in those golden eyes; by the time he turned to face her, it was already gone. Still, she dutifully accepted the next explosive he handed her and placed it accordingly. It was a dull task, but it gave her something to do, at least. For the first five minutes. Unfortunately once the preparations were complete, there was nothing left but to wait.

_And that meant questions. _"Who pissed you off that much to make you go this far?"

"Don't you have anything better to do than bother me, Avenger?"

"Not really." she smirked. "I just wanna screw with you."

A beat of silence pushed itself between them.

...you do realize I can take that in the wrong context."

The snarky Alter sneered as she sashayed off.

Abruptly, she paused. "Uh, Master?"

Naruto didn't answer; he'd already drawn his blade and began cleaning it. As such he didn't sense the sudden and rapidly approaching beacon of mana. But Jeanne did. With her senses stretched to their limit, she was all too quick to notice the way the water buckled in the distance; as if some large and terrible creature were stirring under it. A small shudder of revulsion rippled throuhg her.

"I'm not in the mood.

"No, really, its-

"Shush."

"I SAID INCOMING, YOU BLOND BASTARD!"

And the ground erupted into a mass of writhing tentacles.

Credit where it was due, Naruto's explosives did their work and more, whatever eldritch abominations their enemy tried to summon from the beyond died swift and horrible deaths the moment he unleashed the detonator in their faces. Great roiling clouds of napalm shredded them to pieces, kicking up a viscous black haze that utterly obscurred their vision. Not satisfied with this mundane level of destruction, Jeanne unsheathed her blade and let a wave of hellfire sweep into the blaze, further incinerating whatever remained.

"Greetings!" a redolent, ghastly voice screeched into the haze. "Ohhhh, how god has blessed me!"

Jeanne made a squelching sound. "Oh, what the flying _duck."_

Naruto arched an eyebrow. "I believe you meant-

"Shut up! I know what I said!"

The man was an absolute horror to look at; bulging eyes emerging from a sunken face like a corpse, clad in a sanguine flowing spattered with blood and a black cassock. He was wholly, utterly filthy, covered in the bleak remains of the creatures he'd summoned. And yet...he was smiling at the two of the. A wild, beatific grin that looked more in place with that of a saint. Not this hideous, vile madman clutching a bloodstained book to his chest. By comparison, his Master-whom Naruto noticed immediately lurking further back, was utterly ordinary.

The Exile didn't even He didn't even register his features beyond orange hair and purple clothes. Jeanne only groaned.

"Behold, Ryunosuke! the man-Servant?-screeched in euphoric joy. "Look how the lord has blessed us!"

"Um, cool...?"

The False Maiden of Orleans planted a hand against her forehead and blew out a breath. Maybe if she ignored them, they'd just give up and go away. No such luck. The moment the man laid eyes on her she knew she had absolutely no chance of escaping this battle with some semblance of her sanity intact. Behind her, she could see Naruto stepping up to her side his sword to strike-

"JEANNE!" rather than attack, Caster-this could be no one else-all but threw himself at their feet. "My most holy maiden! You have returned! And in a new form! Oh, happy day!"

Yeah, that was definitely Gilles de Rais sobbing into her shoes. What the hell had happened to him? He looked-felt!-wrong. Through her jumble of memories she expected a knight in silver armor, someone prattling on and on about the lord...not...whoever this was. But those bulging eyes were all too familiar and she wouldn't forget that voice for the world. He would've continued blubbering at her feet if she hadn't kicked him, too. Bastard.

"Be quiet! You're embarrassing me, damnit!"

From his place at her side, Naruto had a prime view of the spectacle that came next; when the young Alter turned beet red and promptly drove a heel into the wailing face of her fellow Servant. The poor man didn't even deign to dodge, rather, he accepted her angle wholeheartedly. Grinding her boot against his putrid visage, Jeanne was the most flustered he'd ever seen her. He witnessed the precise moment that anger and humiliation turned to thoughtful arrogance. He...wasn't entirely sure he liked that look. Least of all when she sheathed her sword.

"Oi, Gilles?" she purred. "Kill that idiot Master of yours, would you?"

Caster didn't hesitate.

"At once!"

Ryunosuke didn't even have time to blink before Gilles raised his spell book and thumbed to a new page. Narrow eyes widened as a grasping tentacle burst from the ground and seized him by the waist. Up he went. Down he came. In a single blow the summoned creature struck his head from his shoulders. Poor sod. Seemed like it was his fate to die no matter the timeline. Jeanne didn't even spare his crumbling body so much as a passing thought; for the gears in her mind were already turning.

"Now form a contract with this one." she grabbed her Master by the hand, heedless of his grimace.

Gilles practically saluted on the spot.

"Certainly!"

Naruto grimaced. "What? No!"

The protest was entirely halfhearted and they both knew it.

"C'mon," Jeanne prodded him with an elbow when he jerked his arm free from her grasp. "I know you have more than enough energy for it. And," an embarrassed flush colored her pale cheeks, "I-I don't feel like wasting mine on this idiot. Besides, this way you'll have one less enemy to fight. That's good, right?"

"..."

"Indeed!" Caster offered a grandiose bow and knelt in one fluid, impossible movement. "I, Gilles de Rais, do humbly swear myself to your service! Say the word, and I will gladly massacre thousands in your name!" He all but cackled. "Let us show the world true blasphemy!"

He'd gone mad. There was no other explanation for this. He was insane to even consider this.

But in this world, it was kill or be killed. He knew that.

So _he_ would be doing the killing.

...fine." Naruto found himself choking out the word, hissing as the contract snapped into place between the two of them. "But you're not allowed to murder any more children, Bluebeard. Do you understand? If you have to kill people to summon those...things of yours, then find them elsewhere. Understand?"

Jeanne and Gilles each arched an eyebrow.

Neither objected.

Damn them.

_Ugh._

If he hadn't made a deal with the devil before, he certainly had now. He quietly resolved to sacrifice him at the first opportunity. Still. This was an accomplishment. With this, one Servant was down and the other had been forced to join their side. Four to go. He should be happy. But he wasn't. And he knew the reason. Because it wasn't enough; because he wasn't satisfied. Because he wanted to kill again. It almost made him laugh. He was to terribly desperate for his wish that he was willing to cast aside his sanity as well. Just what had he done? What would he become, if it meant earning his second chance? But he knew the answer to that, too.

A small, bitter laugh tore its way out of them.

"Right, then. Lets go hunting."

_...he was a monster._

**A/N: Well, well, well~!**

**If this chapter came off as unhinged, that was...intentional.**

**Exile!Naruto's not someone you want to go up against. He's not sane.**

**Would you look at that? First time I used Gilles and Diarmuid in a story and one's already dead.**

**Remember, this bastard outright admitted to cutting through dimensions at one point. He can cut just about anything, short of a living soul. If he'd been a bit more clever with the way he fought, he could've beaten Beast. But alas, he wasn't and he didn't, so here we are. He's likely to use Gilles and just **

**To quote our boy, "Two down."**

**He doesn't consider Jeanne an enemy.**

**The other previews you saw will make their way into the next chapter, rest assured.**

**Classes are open, so by all means, cast your votes. Because this going to get all kinds of crazy. W****ho is who, I wonder? **

**Please let me know if you like it. Means the world to me.**

**Felt damn good to write this one at long last.**

**So In the Immortal Words of Atlas...**

**...Review, Would You Kindly?**

**Sorry, no previews.**

**That'd be telling.**

**...bah, just two.**

**(Preview!)**

_"Ha. Haha. Hahaha! Yes, that's right! We'll burn them all!"_

_Laughing, Jeanne grabbed Naruto by the face and kissed him soundly on the lips._

* * *

_...I hope you enjoyed trampling me."_

_Bloodied and battered, she raised her flag._

_Archer had half an instant to see it, to watch that flag unfurl._

_He had even less for what came next; for then the world went red. "La Grondement Du Haine!"_

**~Nz.**


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